Regret.

I hate to only be a downer but things that piss me off only seem to come to mind right now. I've been having a difficult past few weeks quitting smoking and not being able to talk to Emily. It may not sound like much to anyone else but that's all I did. I smoked and texted my girlfriend, and now I don't have anything to do. All I do now is sit on Facebook. The thing about Facebook is that all my "friends" on there are in college or at least 80 percent of them are and that's all they talk about. I hate college. I hate everyone that goes to college. College is the one subject I do not talk about. I hate the fact that everyone thinks if you don't go to college you are worthless. I don't need to spend insane amounts of money to go to school to prove myself to anyone. The worst part is how the vast majority of people that go to college think they are all high and mighty compared to anyone who doesn't. Like a while ago a few months after I graduated I saw a friend of mine who was still in school. Excited to see him I walk up and ask how he is doing and shake his hand, small talk ensues and then he drops the bombshell. "So, where are you going to college?". I replied "Oh, I'm not going to school anywhere." Then what he said next made me want to beat the shit out of him. He continued on to say "Then what are you doing!?!". He said it in such a way that it seemed college was the only option and if you don't go you are worthless. Well he did a good job of instilling the feeling of being worthless. I would probably go to college but I just don't have the monetary support to do so. I didn't do good enough in high school to get any scholarships and I doubt I qualify for much of any financial support. I refuse to do student loans because I don't want to be in debt for 30 years. And even if by some miracle I found the money I would never be able to decide on a major. I just hate thinking about it. Truthfully it makes me feel hopeless. I feel as if my future holds nothing but me going from shitty dead end job to shitty dead end job working for meager wages and being unhappy. It makes me feel like I am trapped into it and that there are no other options. And honestly when I think about it, I just want to cry. I don't cry for shit either but this is the one thing that gets to me. I guess it's just all the regret I feel for not doing shit in high school. I could have done better if I actually tried. I could actually be doing something with my life instead of working a terrible dead end job that makes me hate my life. I guess I fucked up. And there is no way to fix it now..... I guess it's to late.